I know this is a pretty heavy subject. Especially for those who aren't moms ..
BUT, I really think this will help those who are moms and even who aren't to understand postpartum depression more.
DISCLAIMER: OKAY. So first things first. I was NEVER diagnosed with it. I don't want anyone to read this to feel that I am "faking" being diagnosed.
Maybe it wasn't postpartum depression, but I'll tell you that I have had a history with depression and know if felt damn near the same.
⛔️ Now onto the heavy stuff. ⛔️
What would I describe postpartum depression as? I could only describe it as emptiness and a feeling of not being "good" enough. Good enough for who? For my son. For my boyfriend. For myself.
Mind you, I had only been a mom all of maybe two weeks. A teen mom who has to go back and forth between three different houses. A totally different situation than most moms deal with. I was getting used to waking up every two hours to feed, change, and rock my little one back to sleep. I was trying to learn to breastfeed without screaming from pain. And I kept thinking to myself, "My son deserves someone so much better than me." 😔
I felt like a failure. I'm NOT (Not) 🙅🏻 the most patient person in the world. At all. I get frustrated. And I remember crying myself to sleep any day that I would get frustrated with my newborn. A NEWBORN. I felt an incredible amount of guilt. How could I get frustrated at a baby that doesn't know any better? A baby who is not doing anything on purpose.
Even now i can remember how inadequate I felt. And how i felt alone in this. Everyone else was ENTIRELY baby love struck. And then there was me. Just trying to cope day-to-day. I'd look at this little human I had carried inside of me for 9 months and feel almost numb. I KNEW he came from me. I knew he was mine and that I should feel a surge of love anytime I held him. But it wasn't there..
Needless to say, that realization did not help matters.
I didn't tell anyone and somehow managed to eventually slowly get over it.
9 1/2 months later, I no longer have it. I still get frustrated and I still feel guilty about getting upset later, but I came to an important realization along the way.
EVERYONE gets mad. Teen moms, adult moms, grandparents; Even those considered the BEST moms in the world do. It's a part of human nature. Its HOW you handle it that matters. That is what defines you as a good or bad mom. Choices matter. Choices are all that matter. We are learning to be moms as they learn how to be children. It's a learning process.
I want everyone to understand that postpartum depression is real. It's there. It's a dark monster that sucks the happiness out of an amazing time of motherhood. Its more common than people think. And it's making AMAZING moms feel like s***. As long as your child is loved and taken care of, YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOM!
It took me a LONG time to realize that. I hope it doesn't take you, if you are going through it, as long.
Hug your babies and know everything will be okay. ❤️
Till next time
~Ashley 💋
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