Small Bump Unborn

" 'Cause you were just a small bump unborn

   for four months then torn from life. 

Maybe you were needed up there, but we're 

still unaware as why." 

Yes, these are the last lyrics to Ed Sheeran's "Small Bump". And yes, it is what this blog entry is named after. 

If you read my previous post about my boyfriend's and mine 'love story' then you know I have had a miscarriage before. 

It's not something I talk about or share often. But maybe it's time. 

Miscarriages are hard. Emotionally & physically. They tear you apart and make you over think. At least that's what it did to me. Even now when I think about it I can't help but to tear up. 

October 11th,2013. That's the day that we officially lost her. I'm going to say her because we both always had a feeling it was a girl. It's been two years but doesn't hurt any less. 

I was only 10 weeks appx. when we lost our baby. We never got to see him/her. I had actually only known for about 2 weeks before miscarrying. 

It was one of the worst pains I had ever felt up until that time. It literally felt like my stomach was eating itself. There were horrible cramps that now I can compare to labor cramps. I got a horrible fever. And got so pale my dad told me I looked like death. (thanks dad.) He didn't know though what was really happening. Unfortunately, I did. 

I stayed home from school the next day and Julius came to visit me at home. We sat on the porch and talked. And cried. Just trying to pass time which was all we could do. 

I remember writing out this entire letter telling our baby how much I loved her. How much I was going to miss her. All the things I wish we could have done. I also remember begging God to give us our baby back. That I would do anything He wanted me to do just to be able to hold her again. To know she wasn't gone & was still alive. 

Needless to say, that didn't happen. I grieved about it. I still do when it comes to my mind. I'll never know why it happened. But I look back on it now & think it may have been so that we could have Logan. 

You may be thinking, you were only ten weeks. If that. It's not like you felt "her" or saw "her". Get over it. 

Easier said than done. I'm not saying it cripples me. But it does hurt. It leaves me with a bunch of "what ifs" that will never be answered. A bunch of fantasies of Holding her & playing dress up that will never happen. Not with HER anyways. With my son yes. And with my soon to be daughter yes. 

It's hard for those who haven't been through it to completely understand. 

But if you have been through it, know that I do. 

Till next time, 

~Ashley 💋